Sometimes before starting a project, you have to emotionally unpack.
It's hard to stand up and do a talk when you're carrying baggage from your past career endeavors. You just feel like you're hiding something.
My former self, a young early-20-something, knew it all along. I wouldn't want to tell my past self what I've gone through. I wouldn't want to discourage her. Honestly, it's okay, and I'm fine.
But here's the depressing truth (that a worried and pessimistic recent college grad could predict)-- most of the previous projects on my resume that I can use to bolster my credentials were lead by corrupt leaders. All of them men.
It's hard for me to talk about Gameheads because I don't want to think about the problems that the organization's culture had, how that kept me from contributing, and what I now know about the leadership there. Honestly, I can't say much about it without overstepping my bounds in a problematic way. Only the students of that group should speak up. It's rather hard to do that when the students both know the issues, and seem to be doing pretty well regardless. Luckily Gameday VR wasn't even a portfolio piece. Ironically, the founder of Gameheads told me he was "going to warn me, but it was too late" about the CEO of Gameday. Villains warning about other villains.
How do you thrive in an industry that doesn't care about your growth and is laden with corrupt leaders?
I haven't met any corrupt women, just some that don't believe I belong on their team. They have the right to judge someone who doesn't have enough experience. Other women, I have NO idea if they're on my side or not. I have feelings about it but I can't act on it until I truly know, and I may never know.
Mostly women hire me for my UX services. One man has, and he introduced me to the rest of his dude-bro team who were pretty disgruntled that a UX researcher would come in to step on their toes. Although everyone feels like a UX researcher is stepping on their toes. It's still harder to find male clients. Maybe in the end, product and UX will be a win for women, the way we are headed.
Why do my struggles with people make ME feel like a failure at this point in time? Have I internalized the struggle?
While I know well that we can't always be blessed with supportive co-workers or find the right opportunity that suits us, I know my flaw is being able to focus. I see problems everywhere, and I try to fix them all. That should be a good thing, but it has distracted me from refining my craft, yet again. What I learned last year was to reject a job that isn't for you. You can't expect mentorship and if it doesn't feel like you, then don't do it. I could see myself as an executive, but only of my own product. So I started my own company, and I can say that my failures lead me to a great place when it all came down to it.
I can teach a lot of things at this point. Teaching people how to take control of a product test and follow their own conviction to redesign things may be a great way to lead this workshop in Taipei and also to lead interns. However, I shouldn't be teaching people to do their own UX. I think that's why I will be teaching them their role in relationship to the other developers. And when I think about it... UX can't be an elusive thing, it needs to be well understood and I can still make money teaching it. If anyone is good at teaching, it's me.
As I move away from the game industry, I still find so much of gamer culture so interesting and to have so much potential. I need a break trying to apply for game industry jobs and it doesn't matter if I ever come back from that break. The game industry still has so many dude bro issues and it's NOT MY JOB to correct that. For the time being, I'm the game industry's loss. My goal is still to work with indies, if they would put on their big-girl-britches and get some money, for Christ's sakes. Then they can hire me. An external UX researcher is often a big wake up call.
I've participated in UX research tests as well and I can tell I have a competitive advantage in making testers feel welcomed and making the company look good (I see a lot of snotty UX researchers!)
I more than likely have my first client now. It's hard for me to believe that things will be permanent, things will follow through, and that I can rely on things. Nothing is for certain yet. That's what you learn as a freelancer. But, I also have learned that keeping an open mind and being ready for the moment when lightning strikes is essential. I may be unfocused at times, but I sure as hell am resilient, when it really comes down to it.
Okay-- I feel better now? It's time to plan my next move with my clients at Storytime UX and to write my talk... knowing that I have something to share with the world that other people will want to learn.
If you hang in there and don't beat yourself up... network, and don't burn bridges right away... sometimes great things come up, years later. Be flexible, go with the tide, remember what you're truly good at and take it with you. Share stories with others, even if it feels vulnerable to do so, this is how to make a real impact. Thrive anyway.
It's hard to stand up and do a talk when you're carrying baggage from your past career endeavors. You just feel like you're hiding something.
My former self, a young early-20-something, knew it all along. I wouldn't want to tell my past self what I've gone through. I wouldn't want to discourage her. Honestly, it's okay, and I'm fine.
But here's the depressing truth (that a worried and pessimistic recent college grad could predict)-- most of the previous projects on my resume that I can use to bolster my credentials were lead by corrupt leaders. All of them men.
It's hard for me to talk about Gameheads because I don't want to think about the problems that the organization's culture had, how that kept me from contributing, and what I now know about the leadership there. Honestly, I can't say much about it without overstepping my bounds in a problematic way. Only the students of that group should speak up. It's rather hard to do that when the students both know the issues, and seem to be doing pretty well regardless. Luckily Gameday VR wasn't even a portfolio piece. Ironically, the founder of Gameheads told me he was "going to warn me, but it was too late" about the CEO of Gameday. Villains warning about other villains.
How do you thrive in an industry that doesn't care about your growth and is laden with corrupt leaders?
I haven't met any corrupt women, just some that don't believe I belong on their team. They have the right to judge someone who doesn't have enough experience. Other women, I have NO idea if they're on my side or not. I have feelings about it but I can't act on it until I truly know, and I may never know.
Mostly women hire me for my UX services. One man has, and he introduced me to the rest of his dude-bro team who were pretty disgruntled that a UX researcher would come in to step on their toes. Although everyone feels like a UX researcher is stepping on their toes. It's still harder to find male clients. Maybe in the end, product and UX will be a win for women, the way we are headed.
Why do my struggles with people make ME feel like a failure at this point in time? Have I internalized the struggle?
While I know well that we can't always be blessed with supportive co-workers or find the right opportunity that suits us, I know my flaw is being able to focus. I see problems everywhere, and I try to fix them all. That should be a good thing, but it has distracted me from refining my craft, yet again. What I learned last year was to reject a job that isn't for you. You can't expect mentorship and if it doesn't feel like you, then don't do it. I could see myself as an executive, but only of my own product. So I started my own company, and I can say that my failures lead me to a great place when it all came down to it.
I can teach a lot of things at this point. Teaching people how to take control of a product test and follow their own conviction to redesign things may be a great way to lead this workshop in Taipei and also to lead interns. However, I shouldn't be teaching people to do their own UX. I think that's why I will be teaching them their role in relationship to the other developers. And when I think about it... UX can't be an elusive thing, it needs to be well understood and I can still make money teaching it. If anyone is good at teaching, it's me.
As I move away from the game industry, I still find so much of gamer culture so interesting and to have so much potential. I need a break trying to apply for game industry jobs and it doesn't matter if I ever come back from that break. The game industry still has so many dude bro issues and it's NOT MY JOB to correct that. For the time being, I'm the game industry's loss. My goal is still to work with indies, if they would put on their big-girl-britches and get some money, for Christ's sakes. Then they can hire me. An external UX researcher is often a big wake up call.
I've participated in UX research tests as well and I can tell I have a competitive advantage in making testers feel welcomed and making the company look good (I see a lot of snotty UX researchers!)
I more than likely have my first client now. It's hard for me to believe that things will be permanent, things will follow through, and that I can rely on things. Nothing is for certain yet. That's what you learn as a freelancer. But, I also have learned that keeping an open mind and being ready for the moment when lightning strikes is essential. I may be unfocused at times, but I sure as hell am resilient, when it really comes down to it.
Okay-- I feel better now? It's time to plan my next move with my clients at Storytime UX and to write my talk... knowing that I have something to share with the world that other people will want to learn.
If you hang in there and don't beat yourself up... network, and don't burn bridges right away... sometimes great things come up, years later. Be flexible, go with the tide, remember what you're truly good at and take it with you. Share stories with others, even if it feels vulnerable to do so, this is how to make a real impact. Thrive anyway.
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